The Second Opinion: Jessica Biel: Sexiest Woman Alive (???)

October 07, 2005

Jessica Biel: Sexiest Woman Alive (???)

I see that Esquire magazine has named Jessica Biel as the sexiest woman alive.

Either I am totally out of step with the rest of American men when it comes to judging female pulchritude, or the editors at Esquire need new glasses. Jessica Biel is certainly an attractive woman in an athletic, girl-next-door sort of way. But the sexiest woman alive??? I don't think so.

Since the '70s when Twiggy started to set an awful standard for 'sexiness' in women, the judgement of Hollywood casting directors and New York fashion photographers has really gone downhill. The lush, curvy, voluptuous look of such women as Marilyn Monroe, Raquel Welch, Lana Turner, and Rita Hayworth has been thrown completely out the window. They'd be considered 'fat' by today's idiotic standards. Instead, we men are fed a steady diet of women who are so skinny that we can count every vertebrae in their backbones and play the xylophone on their ribs. To compensate, they get a plastic surgeon to shove a few pounds of silicone under their chests and then dress in next to nothing or even strip 'em down and let us see the whole package.

An example: the other day when I was home for lunch, I saw part of "The Devil's Advocate". If you haven't seen it, there's a scene near the end where the devil (Al Pacino) is trying to bring lawyer Keanu Reeves over to the dark side. The devil's beautiful minion (Connie Nielsen) slowly and sensuously undresses to seduce Reeves. Now, I happen to think that Connie Nielsen is a lovely woman. But if I had been Reeves, I would have looked at old nick and said, "Look, if you're trying to tempt me into giving up my soul, you're going to have to do better than this!" Nielsen was so skinny that I was turned OFF. Ick.

Another example: In the movie "Euro Trip", Michelle Trachtenberg is shown in a bikini. She's a pretty girl, but way to skinny to really be appealing without her clothes on.

In fact, as much as I generally admire the unclad female form, 'sexiness' is as much a matter of dress, deportment, and attitude as it is physical charms. In the movie "Tombstone", Dana Delaney is 'sexy' despite wearing those all-covering 19th century dresses in almost every scene. Carroll Baker was red-hot in "The Carpetbaggers" despite wearing clothes in most scenes that would practically be suitable for church these days. And you ain't SEEN sexy until you've watched Joy Harmon wash her car in "Cool Hand Luke".

Sigh...

I guess I was just born a few decades too late. Oh, well; at least Playboy still seems to (more or less) 'get it'.

October 07, 2005 at 03:54 PM in The Fairer Sex | Permalink

Comments

Doc, maybe you haven't seen Biel's pictorial from a few years ago in "Gear" magazine. At that time, she was probably 20 and still trying to break away from the role she played on 7th Heaven. She is most certainly worth consideration as "sexiest woman alive."

I don't think Michelle Trachtenberg is considered "hot" by most guys. She was like 18 in that film. "Euro Trip," however, is an under-appreaciated picture.

Now, as for the real world, it's Columbus Day and I have been getting letters published in various big city papers, trying to rationalize his holiday being celebrated. See my blog and see some comments. Help. Thanks, Doc!

Posted by: Ari | October 10, 2005 at 02:42 PM

Hey Doc,

Great post, and I completely agree. I have always thought Dana Delany was one of the hottest things on the planet, and her presence made that whole awful Akroyd/O'Donnell picture watchable.

One of our local bloggers up here in Buffalo has a gallery he calls "Move Over Brittney" in reference to Spears. He's a lefty, but a great writer. And the girls of MOB are worth the trip

http://byzantiumshores.blogspot.com/2005/08/move-over-britney-master-index.html

Posted by: LC Scotty | October 11, 2005 at 07:53 PM

I'm not saying that she's not attractive, just that she ain't the sexiest woman alive.

Scotty, thanks for the link. I'll check it out.

Posted by: docjim505 | October 12, 2005 at 04:01 PM

Jessica Alba is voluptuous and sexy. An exception to the new rule.

Posted by: aaron | October 17, 2005 at 01:13 AM

You're right about that. I think she is aware that she's rather more curvy than most of her peers in Hollywood, too.

Bless her heart!

Posted by: docjim505 | October 18, 2005 at 10:20 AM

Aaron, weighing in at 100 pounds soaking wet, how can Alba be "voluptuous?" Two words: Salma Hayek.

Posted by: AJ Kaufman | October 25, 2005 at 06:27 PM

Raquel Welch,Lana Turner,Rita Hayworth,Jane Russell,
etc.are beautiful because their voluptuousness makes
them "true broads,"i.e.,broad where broads should be
broad and thus,my ideal women!!!!

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