Supreme Court forces Gitmo guards to convert to Islam

In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court has found that stationing non-Muslim or female American military personnel as guards at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility violates both the First and Eighth Amendments.  In the majority opinion in the case of al Qatani vs. Rumsfeld, Mr. Justice Kennedy wrote:

Muhammed al Qatani, a suspected member of al Qaeda captured by the US military in Afghanistan, complained that his guards are overwhelmingly Christian or Jewish.  This causes him great feelings of discomfort and persecution.  Indeed, hospital records show that Mr. al Qatani was twice examined by medical personnel after he suffered severe bruising from attempting to break through the bars of his cell when a guard he believed to be Jewish walked by, and a third time when he broke a nail trying to gouge out the eyes of another guard, Corporal Isaac Rosenberg.  A report by Amnesty International has found that some 91% of the personnel assigned as guards at Guantanamo Bay have declared on their official military records that they are members of any of a variety of Christian denominations and sects, or are members of the Jewish religion...

As this Court has held on many occasion, most recently in the case McCreary County, Kentucky et al. v. American Civil Liberties Union of Kentucky, the United States government must remain strictly neutral with regard to the establishment of religion.  Defendents' assertions that guards are too busy dodging excrement, semen, and saliva to discuss religious matters with detainees does nothing to remove this requirement.  The presence of members of religions labeled as 'infidels', 'ungodly crusaders' and 'Zionist pigs' violates the right of detainees to practice their own religion without interference.  Based on survey data provided to the Court in an amicus brief by the Democrat National Committee, practicing Christians and Jews a 'a bunch of conservative white people who've never worked a day in their lives' and are 'racist, homophobic and sexist.' Clearly, no prisoner, no matter what crimes he may be accused of having committed, should be forced to associate with such extremists.

We also find that the mere fact that female guards routinely interact with the detainees presents a clear violation of the Eighth Amendment's prohibition against cruel and unusual punishment...

We therefore find that guards at Guantanamo Bay must be Muslim males.

In a concurring opinion, Madame Justice O'Connor wrote:

The measure of any country may be found in how it treats outsiders.  Our tradition in the United States has always been to provide lenient and fair treatment to prisoners.  In this current war, our treatment of detainees also has a tremendous bearing on our national security.  Harsh or insensitive treatment of detainees echoes throughout the Muslim world, acting as propaganda and a recruiting device for extremist groups.  The detainees come from a culture that places women in a subservient position to men.  As much as our own sensibilities may be offended by this, it is nevertheless unjust and cruel to expose the already humiliated detainees to further psychological damage by placing them under the control of women...

In his dissent, Mr. Justice Thomas wrote simply:

You people are out of your (omitted) minds.

Comments

[NYgirl]

Please tell me this is a joke. Actually during the Afghan war, the NYT ran a piece on how having Afghan men qestioned by female personnel is inhumane. What ever happened to women's lib?

[docjim505]

It's a joke... For now. But could it be coming to a Supreme Court near you?

Tune in next session for another hilarious episode of "My Five Justices".

[Aaron]

This is a great piece of writing, Jim. I must say that you had me fooled for a minute! I'd submit this somewhere; it deserves to be published.

[docjim505]

Aaron,

Thank you. That's very kind.

[Lawrence]

I am having trouble seeing the monitor due to the laughter (laughed so hard it came to tears). Good post.