THIS IS YOUR LIFE: Barbara Boxer

(first published January 27, 2005)

RIGHTWING: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! I'm Johnny Rightwing, and welcome to THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

(audience applauds)

RIGHTWING: Tonight, we have a very special guest. She's one of California's US senators and a good reason that the glass ceiling maybe isn't such a bad idea ---

BANDLEADER: Hey, Susie Homemaker this chicky-baby ain't! Can you imagine her dressing her kids to go to school? Every day they'd get beaten up. Ai-yi-yi!

(audience laughs)

RIGHTWING: Hey, Tony, since she's from sunny California, we're lucky she doesn't show up in the Senate with an orange mohawk and a doobie!

(audience laughs)

RIGHTWING: Ladies and gentlemen, could you please join me in a BIG round of applause? Senator Barbara Boxer, THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

BOXER (walks onto the stage and waves at the audience): Thanks so much for having me here, Johnny.

RIGHTWING: Thanks for being here, senator. (turns to the audience) Folks, she's been one of California's senators for over twelve years, and served several terms in the House of Representatives before that. But Senator Boxer's interest in politics goes back a looooonnnnnggg way. To tell us about that, we've brought in an old friend. Senator, do you recognize THIS voice?

VOICE OF ELDERLY LADY: Oh, yes, I remember Barbara. Such a sweet little girl.

BOXER (thinks for a moment): Mrs. Wilson? That's Mrs. Wilson, my second grade teacher!

RIGHTWING: WHAT a memory she's got, eh folks?

(audience applauds)

RIGHTWING: Please welcome Mrs. Edna Wilson!

(TONY escorts Mrs. WILSON onto the stage. She and BOXER embrace)

RIGHTWING: Thanks for coming, Mrs. Wilson. I think you remember a story about Barbara's early interest in politics?

WILSON: Oh yes, indeed. I remember when her best friend, Johnny Kerry, ran for class president. Poor thing only got three votes because... well, the other students in the class didn't like him very much. He used to tell all these stories about things he'd done that never really happened. And he and Barbara told the class that they should all turn in their allowances to the class treasurer because the student officers knew better how to spend it than the children did themselves.

BOXER (visibily nettled): They would have just wasted it on candy or comic books after school. And Johnny would have won the election if it hadn't been rigged!

WILSON: Anyway, she was so upset about Johnny losing, so she cried and cried and cried until I got out all the ballots and recounted them. And do you know what? There were twenty-seven ballots, but only twenty-six children in the class. (audience murmurs)

BOXER: I TOLD you that my friend Polly Prissypants said she wanted to vote for Johnny, so I cast an extra ballot for her!

WILSON: But, honey, Polly Prissypants was just your imaginary friend. She couldn't really vote.

BOXER (beginning to tear up): She was real to me!! That election was totally bogus! Johnny should have won! HE SHOULDA HE SHOULDA HE SHOULDA!!!(stamps her foot and starts to cry)

RIGHTWING: Um, maybe this would be a good time to take a commercial break. We'll be right back, folks, so stay tuned!

(return from break)

RIGHTWING: We're back on THIS IS YOUR LIFE! with Senator Barbara Boxer, and we've just witnessed a very poignant memory. So, senator, that was your first experience in politics?

BOXER: Yes, Johnny, it was, and I learned then something that's stuck with me to this day: every vote must be counted!

(audience sporadically applauds)

RIGHTWING: Er, even if the voter doesn't really exist?

BOXER (face turns a dangerous shade of red): EVERY... VOTE... MUST... BE... COUNTED.

RIGHTWING: OOOO-KAAYYYY. (faces the audience) Well, folks, we all know that Senator Boxer isn't afraid of the ol' rough-and-tumble, and here's somebody who can tell us about that. Senator Boxer, do you recognize THIS voice?

MAN'S VOICE: Oh, yeah, man. Like, I remember Barbara. She was, like, NEVER one to back away from a fight.

BOXER (hand to her breast): Professor Toke? My old poly-sci instructor? My gosh, it IS him! (squeals like a teenage girl)

RIGHTWING: That's right, senator, and he's here with us tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a big, big round of applause for Professor Larry Toke! (audience applauds as TOKE, wearing a long salt-and-pepper beard, long grey hair, tie-dye shirt, ripped jeans, sandals, and Haight- Asbury beads, strides onto the stage)

RIGHTWING: Professor, thanks for being with us tonight.

TOKE: Like, right on, man! FIGHT THE POWER!

(BOXER looks at TOKE adoringly)

RIGHTWING: So, professor, what can you tell us about Barbara.

TOKE: First, man, I'd just like to tell all these good folks out here about how important it is that we stand up to that pig Nixon and get out of this illegal war in Nam, man. FIGHT THE POWER!

RIGHTWING: Er, professor, the war in Vietnam ended thirty years ago. And President Nixon is dead.

TOKE (looks confused): What? Huh? (turns back to the audience and waves his fist in the air) HEY HEY LBJ, HOW MANY KIDS HAVE YOU KILLED TODAY!

(BOXER starts to pant)

RIGHTWING: Oooookaaaayyyy. Professor, I think you've got a story about Boxer than the audience would like to hear.

TOKE: Oh, yeah, man. Like, she was, like, in this debate with this stuck-up little fascist pig about that pig Nixon and his illegal war in Nam, and, like, Babsy says that Nixon was murdering millions of innocent women and children every day, and, like, this little fascist pig, like, says that the Cong murdered a bunch of people in Hue and that Nixon's baby-killers are there, like, to save South Vietnam from the commies. Yeah, 'save it,' alright. SAVE IT FOR THE FAT-CATS ON WALL STREET! (turns to the audience) FIGHT THE POWER, MAN!

(BOXER looks as though her knees are about to buckle and she licks her lips)

RIGHTWING: And then what happened, professor?

TOKE (looks confused): Huh? What? Those pigs sprayed us with nerve gas, man! Like, it's in the Constitution that you can, like, protest and stuff, but those pigs used nerve gas on us! (turns to the audience) FIGHT THE POWER!

RIGHTWING: Um, professor, you were telling us about Barbara in her debate?

TOKE: Oh, yeah, man. Like, where was I? Oh, yeah. Well, this imperialist spoiled rich bitch ---

RIGHTWING: Professor, you can't use words like that on TV.

TOKE: Man, are you, like, trying to censor me? Like, it's MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT, man! (turns to the audience) FIGHT THE POWER!

(BOXER rolls her eyes and lets out a moan of ecstasy as her entire body begins to shake and quiver)

RIGHTWING: I, um, think we'll take a commercial break. Back in a few minutes, folks.

(return from break)

RIGHTWING: Welcome back, folks. We're here with Senator Barbara Boxer and her old college prof, Dr. Larry Toke. Professor Toke, can you tell us more about that debate between Barbara and the... other student?

TOKE (rubs his arm): Man, like, what did you stick me with? Some kind of mind-control drug? I haven't felt this groovy since Woodstock. (his eyes turn more vacant, he twitches, and then turns to face the back of the stage) MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR, MAN!

(BOXER, her clothing askew and make-up smeared, looks adoringly at him)

RIGHTWING (gently turning TOKE back toward the audience): Just a little something to help you focus, professor.

TONY: Ai-yi-yi! I gave him enough tranquilizers to send a rhino to la-la land. What the HECK has that hippy been takin'?

(audience chuckles)

RIGHTWING (to TOKE): Now, as you were saying?

TOKE: Well, like, when this imperialist tells Barbara that, like, Nixon's killin' all those babies to 'save' them from liberation by the People's Army, Barbara, like, walks over and bitch-slaps her. POW!

RIGHTWING: Senator Boxer HIT this other girl?

TOKE: Yeah, man, it was RIGHTEOUS! But then, you know what that capitalist whore did?

RIGHTWING (faintly): I hesitate to ask.

TOKE: Like, man, she HIT Babsy. Just got up off the floor and POW! Slapped Babsy right across the face. Man, like, I had that nazi kicked off campus so fast it would, like, make your head spin. Ha- ha! (giggles uncontrollably, twitches, then addresses a bank of lights) ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

(stagehands gently escort TOKE from the stage)

RIGHTWING (to BOXER): Let me see if I understand this correctly, senator. This woman said something that you didn't agree with - in a debate - and you HIT her? And SHE was expelled?

BOXER: She ATTACKED me! And she was lying about the war!

RIGHTWING: But... you hit her first.

BOXER (through gritted teeth as she rolls up her sleeve and makes a fist): SHE... ATTACKED... ME!

RIGHTWING (backing away): Ooookaaaayyy. No need to get physical here. Why don't we take a little break, and then we'll come back with our last guest on THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

(TOKE can be heard backstage singing "Born to be Wild")

(return from break)

RIGHTWING (holding a piece of raw steak over one eye): Well, folks, we're back on THIS IS YOUR LIFE!... and still in one piece.

(audience chuckles nervously)

RIGHTWING: Senator Boxer is certainly not one to shrink from expressing herself, and nobody can TESTIFY to that better than our next guest.

WOMAN'S VOICE (icy): I TOLD you not to impugn my integrity, bitch!

BOXER (eyes widening in horror): NO!! NOOOOO!!!! IT CANNOT BE! CONDOLEEZA RICE!!!!

("Darth Vader's Theme" from The Empire Strikes Back begins to play as Condoleeze Rice strides onto the stage)

(audience applauds wildly)

RICE (through gritted teeth): That's DOCTOR Rice to you.

RIGHTWING: And I think Dr. Rice, our new Secretary of State ---

RICE (to Boxer): No thanks to you, you grandstanding troll.

RIGHTWING: --- has brought a special guest of her own. Can we have a big, big round of applause for the governor of the great State of California, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!!!!

(audience cheers and begins to chant "AR-NOLD, AR-NOLD, AR-NOLD!!!")

(Music from The Terminator begins to play. BOXER wrings her hands tearfully as the sound of heavy footsteps can be heard. Arnold Schwarzenegger, wearing black sunglasses, black motorcycle leathers, and carrying a bazooka, clumps onto the stage)

SCHWARZENEGGER: Bah-bah-rah Box-uh, you ahre a threat to the futuh of the State of Kelly-fohr-nya. You must be TUH-minaded.

RIGHTWING: Ah, now, governor, we, um, don't want any violence on the show…

(SCHWARZENEGGER aims the bazooka at BOXER)

BOXER: NO! I'll call the UN! I'll call Hans Blix! POLLY PRISSYPANTS, HELP MEEEEEE!!!!!

(TOKE, singing the theme song to Scooby-doo and carrying a crudely- lettered sign that reads "GIVE PEACE A CHANCE" lurches from off-stage in front of BOXER just as SCHWARZENEGGER pulls the trigger.)

TOKE: "--- I know you'll catch that villAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIII"

(TOKE is blasted off the stage and through the roof; his dwindling voice is last heard shouting "FIGHT THE POWER, MAAAAAAaaaaannnnn…"

(crowd comes to its feet, cheering)

SCHWARZENEGGER (to BOXER as he leaves the stage with a look of disappointment): I'll be bahck!

(stagehands come out with a water hose and fire extinguishers)

RIGHTWING: And, um, we'll be back too, just as soon as we get, um, the little fire put out.

RICE: Oh, please, allow me! (grabs a water hose from the stagehands). I'll show you 'dedication to the mission!' (aims a jet of water at BOXER)

BOXER: AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! (begins to melt) MY WORLD!!! MY WORLD!!! YOU'VE SHATTERED MY WORLD!!! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT A MINORITY WOMAN LIKE YOU COULD DESTROY MY BEAUTIFUL WICKEDNESS!!! I'M MELTING!!! I'M MELTIIINNNNNGGGGG!!! AAARRRGGgghhhhh...

(nothing remains but an dumpy tweed suit and an ugly pair of glasses)

(audience cheers and begins to sing "Ding-dong the Witch Is Dead" from The Wizard of Oz)

TONY: She's dead. You've killed her!

RIGHTWING: Ai-yi-yi!

RICE (giving the hose back to the stagehands and dusting off her hands): I thought that would work. That's how we got Hillary out of the White House back in 2001. Left a nasty stain on the carpet in the Oval Office. Well, ANOTHER nasty stain, I should say.

(audience says "Ewwww!")

RIGHTWING: But... Senator Clinton's still alive.

RICE: Hey, I'm Secretary of State, not van Helsing. If I had the kind of power to get rid of Hillary, do you think bin Laden would still be alive?

RIGHTWING: Ooookaaayyyy. Well, folks, we've had a great show, but that's all for tonight. Tune in next week for another exciting mystery guest on THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!

(audience applauds)

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[Andy]

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